Random thoughts of friendship.

Lately, I've been struggling with some of my friendships, and friendship in general. Of my little core group of friends that I've had for several years now, I'm down to 2 of those left...and even those are on the rocks. Right now, I can list what I consider good friends on one hand, and that's including my mom. It's been very hard on me. I've always struggled with making friends and then keeping them. I know I must be doing something wrong, but I haven't figured out what exactly that is yet.

Of my little core group, I was the first to live with my boyfriend, the first to get married, and the first (and only) to have a child. I know that having a child makes things more difficult....but I thought I was doing a good job at balancing the two. Its rough juggling the 2 different worlds. It can be so draining that I'm on the verge of giving up on these friends and being a homebody, or at least more of a homebody than I already am. At least I know I am loved for who I am and the choices I make by the people in my home.

Why is it that boys have it so much easier? Take my husband for example. He has pretty much the same group of friends that he's had since middle and high school. Sure, some of the guys have dropped off through the years (whether it be their choice or their current girlfriends choice) and some have joined, but there are several constants. Boys have it so much easier in many ways...I could go on and on.

I think that this post is just a jumbled mess of random thoughts I am having on friendship but I just can't seem to organize my thoughts on this subject.

So let me explain why this is so heavy on my heart today. I recently had an outing planned with 2 of my friends. Husband was watching little man and I was ready for some girl time to unwind with the 2 girls that I have missed dearly. Well 1 of them cancelled for bogus financial reasons, but that's another story. So here I am waiting for my friend to pick me up. I'm home alone because my husband took little man to the park to run around and play. Our plans were to leave at 4PM and she was supposed to come anytime before then. It was 4:45PM. I almost panicked. Thoughts kept rushing into my mind that I was being ditched or that I was being stood up. It scared me. I was ready to break down. Turns out, she was taking a nap and overslept. Simple misunderstanding but yet I was still apprehensive and still freaking out inside a bit just at the thought of the different "what ifs" that crowded my mind. We ended up going on our outing and drinking quite heavily. It was great - til the next morning of course. After the outing, we went to dinner and back to my house. I could tell she was itching to leave but just thought she was ready to go home and to bed - she had been partying for several nights straight. It was around midnight after all. Boy was I wrong. I found out the next day or so that she left my house, went straight to a "former friends" house where they went out and continued partying. Ouch. She was itching to leave to go hang out with the rest of the gang, even the friend who cancelled on us that day. That hurt me. Maybe I am an idiot for letting it get to me, but I can't help it. It makes me feel like I was an obligation and that she'd rather have hung out with them in the first place.

I don't take rejection very well. Never have, probably never will, but I am learning. I have been rejected a lot in my life and by many different opportunities and people. Rejection is nasty. Rejection hurts, no matter who you are. I want to rid my life of rejection but know that its impossible. Great, here come the tears.

To get my tears to stop flooding my eyes, I do have some wonderful friends, the few that I have. And I am so thankful for them. My best friend has been there for me since day one, literally. My dad was in the hospital hallway when she was born and she was at my house when my mom and dad brought me home from the hospital they got me from. We've been friends ever since and we have the pictures, the many many pictures to prove it. Throughout our friendship, we've hit rough patches, but that didn't matter. Our friendship was and is so strong that nothing could break us. We haved lived in different cities, different states, and even different countries, but somehow, we always remain attached. Luckily, we are finally in the same state again and only a few hours apart, but I secretly wish we were a couple streets or houses apart. We are 27 year best friends and going strong. Everyone should have a friend like her in their lives. I have another more recent friend that I feel like I've known forever. She is married with 2 boys, who are precious. Her and I met through a psychotic chick we had in common. This psycho actually pitted us against each other at first but then we realized what was happening. We have formed a pretty strong bond and I love her to death. Every time I come home from doing something with her and her family, I tell my husband that these are the type of people I want in our lives. Good people with good hearts. I just hope and pray that I don't do anything to screw it up. The few friends I do have are great friends and I love them all dearly. I just hope that I can expand my circle without losing the ones I love.

Why are relationships so confusing? Why is there always some sort of drama? Why why why?

OK, my randomness is over for the time being.